Archive for March 9th, 2007

Open door and out of context

If anyone had just been walking by my office, they would have heard the following conversation:

Me: What are you doing down there?
The Kid: (from under my desk) I seem to be stuck. But while I’m here, I was admiring your Dependency Chart.
Me: Can you not get it out?


Was there any question, part 5

Back to why I am still single. I’ve been told all my life not to settle, but now I’m getting to the age where people start to tell me that I’m too picky. It seems I can’t win. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and it has come down to this.

I believe two statements about myself:

A) I have free will.
B) I am not a romantic.

However, when it comes to the people I’ve dated for an extended amount of time, I dated them because they have proven both of these statements to be outright lies. Most of my past relationships have had these two things in common.

I don’t believe in fate. I believe that we make our own lives what we want them to be. I believe that I have the ability at any time to change my path. There is no higher power that has predetermined what my life will be and how it will end. I choose my own destiny. Except….

…there is always an exception, right? My exception has to do with meeting people. I feel like there has to be a reason for us meeting. There is some higher power who is laughing at what they are about to do and at me for thinking I had free will. Fate has to create an incredible story. The kind of story that we will tell our grandkids. A story that when I tell it, the smile on my face seems like it will last forever. A tale that will rival The Princess Bride.

Okay, it doesn’t have to be that elaborate of a story, but it has to be a story. I have to believe I was not in control of the chance meeting. It has to be inevitable. No matter how hard I try to change my path, it would have happened anyways. Fate brings us together, the story starts to happen and then…

The Moment

There is one instance, one sliver of time where the connection is made. You know it when it happens. You remember details vividly. You remember the feeling. The butterflies in your stomach. The sparkle in your eyes. Complete elation because you recognize the same feelings in the other person without saying a word.

It is the kind of feeling that makes you do things you never thought yourself capable of doing. The feeling that you will regret not taking a risk. The feeling that you need to see this person again. The feeling that you want this person in your life.

I’ve had this moment. It comes once every few years. But once you’ve had this feeling, you can’t ever settle for something less. When I haven’t felt it for a while, I forget what it feels like. I start to believe that feelings of security, comfort, and caring are enough. Those might be necessary to sustain a relationship, but I want fire. I need passion. I crave desire. At least in the beginning. There has to be a moment of awakening–the world bursting with possibilities.

I’m willing to use my free will to wait for this fated moment to happen again.