Credit where credit is due

Okay, fine. I borrowed the idea for the Mundane post. Had a conversation with a friend who was having those thoughts. Didn’t know if s/he wanted to admit to them, so I decided to write about it. Was curious what people thought but didn’t want to out someone who might not want to be outed. And just because I’m not lucky enough to be in a relationship at the moment, doesn’t mean I don’t ever have those thoughts.

So truth be told, I do want to find someone. I want someone who won’t get bored of me after a few days, weeks, or years. I can’t lie to you. I’m petrified. Yes, I had a relationship that lasted seven years, then ended. It needed to and I knew that, but at the same time, I didn’t expect it. And I let myself be hurt by it. I’m convinced that eventually everyone tires of me and will leave me. So what do I do? I leave before they can. Or I have a relationship with a finite end. Or I start relationships that can’t succeed. Or I hook up with someone and at the end of the night convince him to go back to his ex. Or I turn someone down because I know they will regret it in the morning. Or, in my darkest hours, I hook up with someone and toss them aside so they can feel what they did to someone else.

But, what I said before, is that I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to continue that trend. That is why I haven’t had a relationship in two years. I want to find someone who gives me butterflies in my stomach. Someone who makes me question my convictions. Someone who I want to be with me at a dinner party or reading a book on the other end of the couch. Someone who is there when I open my eyes in the morning and I feel like I must be dreaming.

I don’t expect the butterflies and dreams to last forever. But they evolve into something even more beautiful. Love. Family. The kind of relationship that when you argue about something, there isn’t a fear that he is going to leave you. And when things get really bad, you have to fuel that flame again. The one that got you together to begin with. It may have changed, but if you can find it, if you can remember why you love them so dearly, you can get past those other yield points in your relationship.

Some day, I’ll find that. I’ve had some good starts. Just nothing that has stuck in the last few years. I know you all think I’ve turned down some really great guys. I have. But they weren’t meant for me. I can’t explain why, but my heart wasn’t in it. I have a pretty good idea now of when I’m interested in someone and when I’m not. And none of it is logical.

You don’t get to pick who you fall in love with. It just happens.


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