Welcome to every date ever

Someone pointed me to The Phat Phree the other day. Specifically, they sent me to Look At My Striped Shirt. I have to admit, I’ve definitely met guys like that. While poking around on the site, I found Welcome To Every Date Ever. You need to read this, or the following won’t make any sense.

I began to wonder if I am “Every Girl Ever.”

Not even close. I failed miserably. Here is my rebuttal.

First off, I’m more attractive than you remember me. You weren’t drunk, and it wasn’t dark. I won’t give you a tour of my apartment because you will be holding your balls and trying not to cry after my dog tags you when you walk in the door. I warned you that you should wear a cup, but no, you think that you are special. Now you are trying not to talk in a high pitched squeal.

My cats are hiding, so you don’t have to pretend to like them. And my dog’s name is Perl. There is no ‘a’ in her name, so don’t try to put it there. Yes, I’m a geek, so deal with it.

I have a few pieces of Ikea furniture, but nothing from Pier 1. Only a couple small candles. You will play my great grandmother’s piano I have in the corner (because you are naturally musically inclined). You will drool over my 46″ HDTV and new stereo system. You will want to play my Wii.

There are no photos on my fridge, and nothing but some old beer and a few condiments in it. Actually, there are barely any photos of people at all. None of them have anyone holding an alcoholic beverage (though I’ve had my share). I still talk to all my friends. They are all amazing.

I don’t have a papasan chair. You can sit on one of the couches, but I was ready ten minutes before you arrived, so you don’t have time to sit at all. Actually, I didn’t give you directions to my place, I told you to meet me at the restaurant. You haven’t even seen my place, so lets ignore everything above.

Hi! (hug) Hope you found a good parking spot. What kind of cuisine are you interested in today? Lets walk down the street until we find something interesting. I hate picking restaurants, so I hope the hell that you can make a decision. Oh, you aren’t going to decide? Fine, I’ll do it.

This restaurant looks good. Not fast, but not expensive either. Should be able to sit for a while and have a good conversation without being rushed out. I really don’t want to talk about my work. I love my boss, I love my job, but I can’t really talk much about it. And besides, I don’t really want you to have to talk about how much you love the company I work for. And I don’t want to know that you don’t really understand what it is that I do as an engineer.

I love my family, but I don’t want to talk about them. I don’t want you to love my family. I barely know you. I don’t want you to become attached. I want to be able to leave this date and not feel compelled to have to call you again.

Lets talk about what you do. Where are you from? What makes you tick? Can I find something about you that makes me want to go out with you again? Am I so absolutely enthralled by you that I can’t eat? Nope. Eating just fine. Damnit.

Sorry, I can’t go to a bar right now. I have to be up early in the morning. Work, or a conference, or Habitat for Humanity, or something. Need to go home and “walk the dog.” No, you won’t be meeting any of my friends anytime soon. That is way too much commitment. Okay, I’ve got to get going. (hug) I do mean the hug, but no, we won’t be making out. Definitely no sex. You know how to find your way home from here, right? Cool. Send me an email. Maybe we can do this again soon.

I drive in the opposite direction of my house. I take a highway, then I travel small streets and make a lot of turns so that I can see if I’m being followed. Hopefully I will remember to email you or reply to your email. At least you aren’t a crazy stalker. That is a good start I guess.

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