Archive for the ‘Euphemisms’ Category

Miss Independent

I’ve spent the day at Disney on my own Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride in my rented wheelchair. I could have spent $50 a day on a motorized chair, but I wanted to know what it is like to be so dependent on others to get around.

The result? Frustrating.

I feel like I’m viewing the day through someone else’s eyes. My brothers have been pushing me around and I am grateful, but I realize it takes a lot of trust. Especially in such a crowded environment.

Occasionally we’ve been directed at hidden exits and elevators. My own secret passageways.

And people don’t speak to me most of the time, they speak to whoever is pushing me.

The worst is the loss of independence.


For those less fortunate

I spied three fortune cookies on top of the microwave at work today. I tore off the plastic wrapper of one, cracked it open and read, “Don’t give in to cynicism.” Seriously? That is my fortune? But what if I like cynicism?

Just then, I dropped half the cookie on the floor.

Not wanting to be defeated, I opened another fortune cookie. This one read, “Good health will be yours for a long time.” Blah, blah, blah. Boring.

So I went in search for a real cookie, but they were already gone.

My new penis plant

I picked up a new Penis Plant on my way back from Hawaii. Penis Plant is not the official name, just the name that Physics Goddess and I used to call them when we couldn’t remember what kind of plant it was. Now I know what it is, but kind of like the name I gave it.

Typical Saturday

Two weeks ago, I woke up to what should have been a typical Saturday morning. I was wide awake at 0700 against my own wishes. Regardless, Perl and I went out for our morning constitutional, also known as “walking the dog”.

Before we could get to the street, we ran into The Author. She was looking around frantically. When she saw Perl, she asked me, “Have you seen Ferie?”

Ferie is the feral cat that lives in her part of the complex. He used to be a neighbor’s cat until they moved away and left him behind. Now he lives outside and The Author feeds him. I like Ferie. He has adjusted to Perl over the last four years and doesn’t run away. He is homeless but happy. Always basking in the sun. Blinking his approval of me. I always say hello to Ferie.

“No, I haven’t seen him. Why?” Just then I notice that The Author’s car is halfway out of it’s carport and she is holding back the tears.

“I didn’t know he was there. He was under my car. He ran as I backed out, but I ran over his tail, and now it is in front of my car. I can’t find the cat, and I can’t look at the tail or I’m gonna throw up.”

Oh. My. Gawd.

Deep breaths. Deeeeeep breaths. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. That’s karma for you. I was trying to bring breakfast to a friend who is stuck in their house, and I didn’t know Ferie was there. You know I feed him. I’m the reason he’s still alive, and now I may have killed him.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was too much. I needed to help. I needed to do something. What could I do? “Do you have a piece of cardboard or something? I can pick up the tail for you.” I couldn’t believe that had just come out of my mouth. What the fuck was I thinking? “I need something fairly solid. I picked up a dead gopher the other day with a doggy bag and it was disgusting. Do you have something?”

“How about a magazine?”

“That’ll work.” Who was I kidding? I was freaking out. A cat’s tail? Sure, I could tell people I’d gotten some tail that morning, but it wasn’t the kind that they’d want to know.

I like to think that I am strong in difficult situations.

I’m not. I’m pretending.

The Author came out with a magazine. I didn’t look to see what it was. I just did my job. As I stepped in front of the car, all I could say was, “Holy shit. That is a lot bigger than I thought it was.”

A poor homeless cat lost his tail, and that is all I could say to mourn it’s passing? I’m not good in certain situations. You never want me with you in a hospital. I make fun of urine in jars.

I opened the magazine and grabbed the tail. I was barely holding it in. I marched over to the dumpster and disposed of my package with gusto. I was screaming inside. But screaming on the outside wouldn’t have made the situation any better. So I swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and pretended I’d not had to pick up the tail that had been violently torn off the poor, sweet, homeless cat.

The Author and I talked for a few more minutes about what to do with the cat. We didn’t know where it was, but even if we found it, neither of us had the money for the emergency vet bills. And most likely, the vet wouldn’t want a stray cat that hadn’t had it’s shots in years, if ever.

I told her that my brother’s cat has no tail. And The Artist has a cat with no leg. The cat will survive. If it doesn’t die of an infection.

She told me of a time when Ferie had gotten bitten by a possum. He survived that, so yes, maybe he will survive being de-tailed.

I hope so.

Perl was getting antsy, so we went for our walk. As we hit the street, Mom called and I was talking to her as we walked. She was telling me the tale of the bureau that she had almost bought, but had decided against. Up ahead, I saw a pit bull puppy running loose, it’s owner always a couple steps behind.

I could hear the puppy teasing, “You can’t catch me!” as it ran in circles around it’s owner. When Perl was a puppy, I learned that the trick wasn’t to chase, but to walk away, in a safe direction, and ignore her. She’d quickly wonder what I was doing that was so much more interesting and would follow me. This new owner had not discovered this trick.

I also knew that as soon as the puppy saw Perl, he would come to us. I was trying to pick up poo when it happened. It was all too fast. Perl was giving the puppy an old-lady growl. I was hoping that the pit bull puppy wouldn’t snap. The puppy was jumping around everywhere at the speed of light. The owner was doing circles around me. Mom was on the phone, cradled in the crook of my neck.

If you’ve ever tried to hold an iPhone against your shoulder with your ear while holding your growling dog in one hand, saying “No” over and over again, while grasping for a spry young pup with the other hand, then you know what happened next. My iPhone fell on the cement, face down.

I grabbed the puppy with my newly free hand, while pushing Perl away with a foot. The puppy’s owner picked up my phone with two fingers and handed it to me with the grimace of someone picking up a dirty diaper. I exchanged the phone for the dog.

“Sorry,” he said. What else could he say.

It seems that not only had his puppy stood on my phone and slid it around the concrete, but the puppy had also drooled all over it. Perl, disgusted by youth, looked at me with impatience while I wiped off the slobber. That’s when I noticed the scratches on the glass. It had survived the fall, but it seems that pressing down on it while sliding it on concrete was a little too much. Luckily, the scratches and the chip are at the very top.

“Good luck with that one,” I said as he was leaving. “He’s a feisty one!”

And adorable. But I wasn’t ready to admit that.

I called Mom back. The drop had dropped the call. She continued to tell me about the bureau.

And that was just the beginning of my day.

The night before, I’d had a bit of Guinness after work. I made plans to go to a friend’s house for some whiskey. So I convinced a new friend to give me a ride home so I wouldn’t have to bike. I enticed her with promises of parties. But after “walking the dog,” we were hungry, so we went to In’n’Out Burger. Then we were tired, so instead of going out, we went to my house, made some powdered Gatorade, and listened to music by Wedding Singer. She was questioning my judgement before, but now she agrees—he can sing. Hot.

After getting some tail and defending my dog from a licking pit bull, I had to make a choice of transportation to get to work. I could drive my car and put my bike in the back on the way home. Or I could run.

I put some clean clothes in a backpack, donned my running black and pink skirt and the pink Princess shirt from the Disney Princess Half Marathon, and took off on the four and a half mile trek. I finished my conversation with Mom during the first mile, and then ran the other three and a half.

This would have been fine, except that instead of running, I’ve been biking lately. When I have run, it has only been two miles at a time. I was doubling that. And trying not to get chaffed by the backpack.

When I described the scene later, someone asked if I was practicing for the zombies. Yes, I think I am. Next, I’m considering learning to fire a gun and how to quickly enter and exit a vehicle. I’ll start training videos on how to prepare for a zombie attack.

By the time I got to work, I was hurting. Coworkers saw me stretching in my office while compiling. My mind was mush. It is hard to tell the difference between me being hungover and me having just pushed a couple extra miles out of my legs. In this case, it was physical exhaustion.

After having walked two miles, run close to four, working for a couple hours and forgetting the previous events like they were a bad nightmare, I rode my bike home 4 1/2 miles and “walked the dog”.

We didn’t see Ferie. Or the pit bull puppy.

I had flashbacks of the tail.

I ran into The Author. She hadn’t seen Ferie either. She was hoping that he was okay, but now she was kind of angry with him. While she was driving to drop off breakfast, one of the belts in her car slipped loose (not unlike Jupiter missing a belt). She got her car to the mechanic who explained that Ferie was probably sleeping in the engine block and knocked off one of the belts while getting in there, or while getting out.

Perl and I continued on our evening constitutional without incident. Another mile walked.

I had a party to go to in the city, so I rode my bike the mile or two to Caltrain because I hadn’t already had enough exercise that day. The Caltrain ride was going smoothy right up until we were delayed for half an hour because of police activity.

Once I arrived at 4th and King, I was to take a bus. Only problem is that I only had a $20, and the bus drivers don’t make change. Why is the learning curve for using public transportation so high? I can’t get change. The signs at the stops don’t always show me where the bus is going. And it is hard to know when to pull the “I need to get off” string. The last part is easier thanks to the digital readouts of the next stop. But I had to get on the bus before I could find out where it would go, and then I only knew one stop in advance.

Buses don’t go in a straight line.

And the driver’s don’t make change. So I went into the Walgreens to buy a bag of chips or a pack of gum with a $20. It was difficult to find something small enough that I would have enough change for the return trip as well.

Chips in hand, and stomach rumbling, I tried to get into line. But the girl I was standing behind turned to me and said, “The line is over there.”

It was a couple people deep. I went to the end. That was when I noticed the only girl behind the counter was frazzled, and there was a crazy lady ranting something at her.

The bus was about to come, so I thought I’d try my luck on getting change. I set the bag of chips down and muttered under my breath, “I’m outta here!”

I made sure I was the last one on the bus. I asked the driver, “Can you make change?”


A little louder this time, I stated, “I’m outta here.”

It was cold. As it always is in a city where Mark Twain once stated, “The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.” So I went back into Walgreens and picked up the bag of chips I’d left on the shelf. I got back into line.

The cashier was still frazzled and the line was still long. This time, it was a drunk college guy counting change. I decided that this was not how I wanted to spend the next half an hour, so I set the bag of chips back down and as I walked out the door, I exclaimed, “I’m outta here!”

I crossed the street, careful not to make eye contact with crazy lady. It isn’t that I didn’t want to make eye contact, it is just that I was really hungry and couldn’t bear to have conversation. Especially incoherent conversation. So I looked aloof, but I didn’t care, there was a bar across the street and I was going there.

Turns out, it wasn’t a bar. It was a taqueria where you order at the counter. Not what I expected, but I was going to make it work.

Keeping in mind that I needed exact, or slightly over exact change for the bus, I ordered one taco, and one glass of sangria. They were amazing. Best bus stop taco, chips, guacamole, and sangria I’ve ever had. Done and gone in 15 minutes. There was only one other table occupied, and it was full of guys. But I’m gun shy now. A table full of guys in San Francisco is not an invitation for a single girl. Even a girl with sangria confidence.

I used the bathroom and started to walk out the door. As I saw the bus pull up while I was on the wrong side of the street, I understood two things. The first is why the taqueria made you pay as you ordered so you didn’t run out to catch the bus or train without paying. The second is why people j-run across the street.

I j-ran across the street to catch the bus. Turns out, my clock wasn’t wrong, the driver was just early and taking a break. So I would have had plenty of time to cross at the cross walk. C’est la vie.

This time, armed with exact change, stomach full of taco and brain swimming in sangria,I boarded the bus, confident that I would not shout, “I’m outta here!!”

I think I’ve only taken the bus once in San Francisco. I have a lot of issues with taking the bus, both real and perceived. That will be another post. However, regardless of my inexperience with the bus, the ride itself—once I understood which bus to take, how much I had to pay, and how much to drink and eat to achieve exact change nirvana—was actually easy and enjoyable. Still not as much fun as driving my car, but I’m trying hard to use public transportation or my own steam to get places. Myrtle turned 7 years old in April and is still under 70,000 miles. I’m trying to see how long I can go before she gets there.

I arrived at my destination just in time for a flock of bicycle riding yoga enthusiasts to flood down the stairs of the building I was entering. They wished me a good time at the party I was going to in the third floor loft. I smiled a thank you. At the top of the stairs, I pulled out the bottle of wine and wine bag that I’d been hiding in my shoulder bag, and assembled my gift.

The place was huge. I wasn’t sure where to go. It was the entire third floor of this building with pockets of people scattered throughout. I swam through the masses until I found the guest of honor.

I presented her with a bottle of Burrell School2005 Ryan Oaks Vineyard Zinfandel, a library selection aptly named “Detention.” At least it wasn’t a party with buckets of mixed drinks with names like “Purple Fucker,” so I can hope that whoever drank it appreciated it. However, it was a party full of Italians, and I don’t know their take on California wines.

There were, however, penis shaped balloons. The host and I had a penis boxing match, and she was shoving her balloon in places that people were unsuspecting. It was somewhat disturbing, but her penis balloon did match her dress, so I guess that makes everything okay. Right?

I found another friend who introduced me to another friend, and the three of us disappeared into the teepee.

Yes, I said teepee. Pictures or it didn’t happen, right?

In the teepee was a sleeping bag and a melee of musical instruments. I was enjoying playing the slide whistle to a Lady Gaga song. Eventually I traded and managed to pick out “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” on a ukelele.

I felt like a kid again. Actually better than when I was a kid. I was always so stressed out and insecure as a child that I didn’t have this much fun. I just let go and it was incredible. If I had kids, I would build them a teepee in the living room and fill it with musical instruments. Pick a wall to use with crayons and markers. Free their minds. Free their souls.

But that won’t happen. Reality came crashing down. Like that scene in Mary Poppins where they are all laughing on the ceiling. I always said, “Reality exists only in the minds of the unimaginative.” Guess that describes me.

We exited the teepee just in time for the cake that read, “If you are under 30, get the fuck out!” Best cake title ever! The two people I was in the teepee with were under 30, and I like to think I am under 30, so we ate cake and ran. It was really because I had to make sure to catch the bus and train.

My ride back to the south bay was uneventful. I set my phone alarm to go off ten minutes before my scheduled arrival. I didn’t meet anyone interesting. And luckily, no one was too drunk. Uneventful.

As I exited the train, it was misting. I unlocked my bike, rolled up my pants and started the ride home in the rain. I was cold, I was wet, but I didn’t really care. It had been one of those days. The tail, the puppy, the exhausting run, all the bike riding and dog walking, the bus debacle, and the teepee party. I was exhausted.

As I turned into our complex. I saw a young guy wearing dark slacks, a button up shirt, tie, and vest. He was dashing, leaning back against our sign, lit up by the spotlights. Waiting.

Waiting for what?

As I passed, I thought he was odd standing there. But how odd was he compared to the girl in heels, rolled up jeans, and a bright white ruffled jacket, riding a bicycle at 0130?

Irreversibly odd.

Free as in you can run, but you can’t hide

I got stigmata from screwing

I bought a table and chair set from Ikea. Screwing was tough because the hole was tight and the screw was wide, so I had to apply extra pressure to get it in deep enough. So I pushed on the screwdriver with the palm of my hand and twisted until a layer or two of skin came off.

Maybe screwing would be easier if my screwdriver was battery powered.

I know, pictures or it never happened. Here’s the proof:

What I’m missing

I finally realized that what I miss the most is flirting. Good old-fashioned flirting.

The other day, I went on a date. It happens sometimes. I don’t actually tell you all everthing. This blog is like the iceburg hit by the Titanic—just scratching the surface.

So I went out with a guy I met online. He was very flattering. Overly so. So I went out with him to find out if he is always like that or if it is just an online persona.

He is always like that. I’m trying to learn how to deal with flattery. So instead of shying away or making excuses, I just thanked him. But I knew it wasn’t going to work out because I didn’t try to flatter him back.

There is a big difference between flattery and flirting. If I am flirting, you will know it. I touch my neck, I twirl my hair, I use double entandras. All the standard signs. If you are on the sidelines, you will probably be uncomfortable and tell us to just get a room. It has happened before.

I don’t flirt here. I only know a couple people who know how. And I’m not allowed to flirt with them anymore. Geeks don’t flirt. Flirting requires something that geeks don’t have. For example, Coxswain Ballerina is (temporarily) working in a bakery. A guy walked in and asked her for half a dozen.

“Cupcakes?” she asked.

“Unless there are five more of you!” he quipped.

Yes, it is cheesy, but I don’t even get that. Hell, at this point, I’d probably fall for that.

The bartender just asked how long I am staying. I explained I’m here for just the night.

He asked where I was going. It took me too long to think of the answer so he thinks I’m lying. But he still asked me to skip my flight and stay another night.

Cheesy, but appreciated. I need to break out of the tech crowd. I have only one guy to flirt with right now and he is practically ignoring me. Which is hot in it’s own way. But that is another disfunctional topic. And I don’t want to lie to Bartender, so it is sleepy time!